SILENCE IS GOLDEN.

I was intending to make this a ‘blogging week’ in which I concentrated on getting my blog-readers up to date with all my all my thoughts etc. And what did you end up with, dear Readers? Nothing but silence from me!

At the moment, I am caught up in a mad – and very uncharacteristic – burst of housewifely energy! Items which have been lurking at the back of my cupboards for years have seen the daylight that they must thought no longer existed! I have been cleaning and sorting like a woman possessed! Believe me!

I do not fully understand what is behind this new burst of energy. Sure, it has something to do with my twice-daily stint on the exercise bike. No doubt it is also not unrelated to the fact that my daughter is actually working full-time for four weeks, not even coming home to lunch! I cannot tell you just how being alone here during the day gives me such a tremendous, amazing feeling of freedom. I defy any mother to love their daughter more than I love mine, but I just don’t feel my life is my own when she is here. And I certainly do not feel that the house is my own!

I have used an exercise bike before (in early 2003, when I was recovering from breaking my ankle). My daughter was working full time then as well – although she was coming home to lunch then and I was usually here to get her soup or something for lunch. Now though, I am completely and gloriously free of all such restrictions. And I am enjoying it big time!!!!!!

Let me tell you also, I have been an absolute saint this week! No, not regarding my general behaviour (of course, I am always a sinner there!) but as far as my eating goes. Not a wicked morsel has passed my lips, guys! The very bad news though is that I do not seem to have lost even one measly ounce of weight! Where on earth do I go wrong?!!! How is it possible to eat so little and not end up as light as a feather? Oh well, perseverence is the name of the game……… I think I need to buy some new bathroom scales anyway. The ones I have now are not that old, but I do not think they are very accurate and I can’t really track my weight properly.

Anyway, I am off to catch a bus and hopefully to hit the shops before they close. I spotted a shop with some nice clothes in at the weekend and want to go back there now I am alone and have more time (and without my daughter; we always tend to like the same things!). I have written in the past about how hard it is to make myself buy clothes these days (I just think I am too fat to buy anything nice; and anyway, I am always just about to lose weight, am I not? Lol!) So, wish me luck.

If I don’t hurry though, the shops will close before I get there! I’m not going on my bike today because I have a cold and sore throat and found it a real struggle on my second biking session yesterday.

I am still catching up with jobs like ironing (as always, a HUGE backlog has built up!) but I really am intending to try and do a blog post every day next week, even if it is just to post the words of supercalifragilisticexpeialidocious. So beware!

Have a good weekend……. and I wish a great Mother’s Day to all you UK mums out there. We all deserve to have a very good day, I’d say!

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UPDATE.

I spent just a teeny bit too long writing the above post and then realised that I was going to miss my bus. I then also realised that really it was too late to be hitting the shops anyway (and besides, it has started to rain now)! So, I have decided to follow my usual policy of putting off  ’til the next day what I could really do today and have resolved to go tomorrow instead! I am going to be out at church in the morning attempting to do some serious praying at a special event they have on there and am then going off with hubby for a quick bite to eat. After that though, he is going to be deserting me, as he has won a couple of tickets to see the local football team play! So, hopefully I will be able to spend the rest of the day shopping in peace (daughter permitting, of course!).

In the meantime, I am off to do some more ironing!

EXERCISE UPDATE!

This week has gone quickly! On the whole, it has been a good one and I have got lots of outstanding jobs done (still lots more to do though!). Son is still home: he seems pretty depressed, but says he is going back to work on Monday. He won’t go to the doctor’s, so what can we do? As I said before, he is reluctant to talk to us about his problems.

If anyone was wondering how the exercise and weight loss program has been going………… well, it has hit a very low point recently! You might remember that I was happy before Christmas because the early signs were that using my new exercise bike was going to have the desired effect weight-loss-wise. Then Christmas came! If I could have cancelled Christmas altogether this year, I truly would have done: it arrived just at the wrong time! It is so hard not to eat a lot in this house, as my husband and daughter go a bit overboard with all the festive fare! So, I ate far to much!

So what, you might well say! What’s a week of over-indulgence in the big scheme of things? The trouble was, with my son being depressed and everything I got quite low in spirits myself and the exercise program was abandoned for most of January. I am back on track now, although I don’t know whether I have lost any weight (I didn’t even pluck up courage to go anywhere near the scales until yesterday!)

Anyway, the past is history now and unimportant! I have been dedicatedly pedalling away for the last couple of weeks and am hopeful that there WILL be results soon! Watch this space!

One thing I do know is that I feel so much better – both physically and mentally – when I am doing my twice-daily stint on the bike. I actually have far more energy for just about everything else. Going to the gym alone just was not doing me any good: I was too weak and exhausted afterwards – and no weight loss as a reward! It was soul-destroying! 

I was reading something the other day about how important it is to keep your heart rate at the right level during exercise. It appears that if it goes too high, you burn off more sugar and even muscle. To burn off fat, you need to keep your heart rate a bit lower. (Not a very good explanation, I know!) My heart rate always went pretty high at the gym, so maybe that has something to do with the fact that I failed to lose weight. Who knows!

Talking of my bike, it is time for my second session of the day now! I am hoping to do quite a bit of catching up on blog-writing next week (I know I have been failing dismally in my blogging duties recently!), so please come back and visit me again soon.

I wish all you Bloggers a really great weekend!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Daughter started four weeks office work on Monday: 8:30 am until 4:30 pm. As son starts work at 2:00 pm, I have been taking Sandy to the park early so that I get 3 hours of peace at home. Or, so I thought!

I got back from the park just after 2:00 pm today, thinking that son would have left for work. When I saw his car outside, I thought he must have overslept (not for the first time), so I immediately called up to him. It seems he has called in sick and plans to take a few days off work. Is he ill? No – just fed up with the boordom of work and needing a few days off!

I just need some time to myself – I really do. The first couple of days this week were spent doing jobs, but today I really planned some ‘me’ time. Now, it is all shattered. Something like this always seems to happen when I plan some time for me. It isn’t fair!!!!!

I see no end to all this. Son said the other day that he couldn’t afford to get a flat of his own. I guess we are partly a victim of the current housing situation in this country (although I sometimes wonder whether, if he saved the money he spends on beer, cigarettes, tarot card reading and shiatzu massages (!) he might not be in a better financial situation. Daughter is no nearer to finding a permanent career either. We just don’t seem to be making any progress here!

Just before I go away and pull out all my hair, I wanted to say that I am aware that I haven’t answered the recent comments on here yet. Apologies to those of you who took the time and trouble to comment. I promise I will reply within the next day or two. (I am a bad girl, I know!)

AN OLD DOG HAVING FUN!

Taken on a walk with my daughter…………………….

UN-SONNY DAYS (SIC).

Just a quick summary of my life as it stands at the moment……..

Daughter has been up to London again today for another interview for an ‘internship’. She liked the people at this one much better, but it would involve nine months of travelling up to London to an unpaid job (with only some ‘help’ towards travelling expenses’).  Understandably, she does not know if she really wants the job. If only she had worked more recently – and been able to save a bit of money. 

Son – who is still unhappy about his Russian romance apparently going nowhere – has had another disappointment.  The (female & lesbian) drummer in his band has left. It seems she thinks she isn’t good enough to play in public (though she has done gigs with them several times). They have got a gig on Saturday, but she has refused to do even that – although my son pleaded with her to do it as they will be letting the pub they are playing at down. I can’t believe she has done this – she has always seemed to be such a nice, warm person. She obviously has her own problems though! Having a band means a lot to my son – and he could do without this at this time. 

Still on subject of our son, hubby got an e-mail at work today from his ex-girlfriend in Argentina asking if he is alright (they still keep in touch). Apparently, he keeps telling her he feels kind of sad and lost, so she sent him an e-mail trying to cheer him up – but hasn’t heard from him for over a week. We do not know how to reply to her (she has asked us not to tell him she has written). 

It is still so hard to communicate with him, particularly for me. We are both similar people and neither of us talks a lot. And when my husband and I do try to talk to him, it is hard to get through to him. The thing is – he has kind of cut himself off from us – it is almost as if he has deliberately chosen to be as different from us as possible. It is not just that we are Catholic and he doesn’t think much of religion; sadly, a lot of Catholic parents these days see their children leave the church and, whilst they are often upset, they try to understand. We all know that living a Catholic (or indeed Christian) life isn’t easy for young people these days. Our son, however, has moved as far away as humanly possible. He goes to tarot card readings and has books about Satanism (though he has recently denied being a Satanist). When we have any kind of discussion about anything, he comes across as arrogant and thinking he ‘knows it all’. He never used to be like that. He actually says things on the lines of  ‘I am special; I am wonderful’ – I guess it is all stuff he has picked up from various new age gurus. I am not saying that it is not good to have self-belief, but not to the point of arrogance. I think he believes that our views on just about anything are complete rubbish. We just have so little in common any more. We know he is very unhappy as a result of his Russian romance not going anywhere (hence him getting very drunk on New Year’s day) but it is almost impossible to get him to open up to us about it. Frankly, his ex in Argentina probably knows more about his feelings than we do.

I worry a lot – with both my children – about the mental health problems in both families. Son did appear to have a little ‘mini breakdown’ a long while ago after my father died in 1990. Son was only 12 then and didn’t cope well with the death, holding all his feelings within himself. We kept him off school for a time and he recovered without any drugs (although we took him to the doctor’s at the time). Now though, son has very definite views about drugs never being needed in any circumstances. He even believes that hubby’s sister (the one who has serious mental health problems) does not really need the drugs. So, if son ever had serious problems that way, it would be very hard to get him to take any drugs. He really thinks that he knows better than just about anyone else!

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I started this post on Thursday but didn’t get time to finish it. It is the following Monday now. We had a pretty bad day on Saturday (in spite of the beautiful, spring-like weather here) as we attempted to take daughter out with us. Bad mistake, as she was very hormonal! She clashes with my husband at the best of times, so we had a day of arguments! By the evening, I was so very stressed by it all that I ended up having a big row with her myself (although I regretted it very much afterwards). Peace and harmony is restored again now – although who knows how long for?

Yesterday, just when all was once more peaceful with daughter, son caused problems. He worked until three and then went into Brighton drinking with a friend. In the evening, he turned up here briefly en route to another pub with two more friends (in fact, he asked for – and received – a lift there from my husband). One of the friends (a girl) we have known for years and do not particularly like, or feel that she is a wonderfully good influence on him. Daughter (who had her period by then and wasn’t feeling good) specifically asked her brother not to bring his friends back here later, as she just felt like lounging around in her dressing gown – but, soon after 11, low and behold they all came back here. It all happenened in an odd way: I was already in bed and hubby was just about to turn in, but was standing in the kitchen getting a drink. Son came back and was speaking to hubby in kitchen, when his phone rang – and the next thing I knew he was at the door, letting his friends in. We live in a chalet bungalow and our bedroom is just inside the door, so the first I knew about this was seeing one of them looking in at me as I sat up in bed. I shouted to son (a bit crossly, I admit!) to shut my door (I believe I at least have the right to some privacy when I am in bed, for God’s sake, even if I never get it anywhere else!).

Hubby was not happy, as he is a light sleeper and did not want three (beer-filled) people making a lot of noise above our heads. He asked son if he would please see that they left in 20 minutes. Son dismissed the request with a quick ‘yes’ but let them stay anyway! I had to restrain hubby from going up and shouting at them (unfortunately, when he looses his temper he often says things he later regrets and I really didn’t want a lot of trouble – especially as I am worried about son’s state of mind). They stayed upstairs (apart from regular stomps down the wooden stairs to evacuate the excess beer from their bladders) until 2:30 am. I was asleep – and, believe me, not much wakes me once I am asleep – but I was awakened by them exiting loudly at 2:30.

I am scared for the future. I do not know what will happen to son. I feel it must be at least partly my fault that we have such a bad relationship. Daughter, by her nature, has demanded lots of time and attention from us, so perhaps son has felt left out. It is hard though, because his views and lifestyle have taken him so very far away from us, so that it is hard to know what we can talk to him about without him pooh-poohing everything we say. We are only human – and it is, I believe, natural enough to feel somewhat hurt that he has rejected absolutely everything we are, everything we stand for.

May God help us and come to our aid. We really need a miracle here. I can see son leaving us soon and us never seeing him again. We have failed so very badly!