Our Christmas day was not good. In fact it was truly horrendous….. easily the worse Christmas day I have ever had! You might think I am being over-dramatic in saying this….. but really, you just have to trust me on this one. It felt a bit like I had died and gone to hell…..
I am not going to say too much about what happened, especially not with all my mysterious visitors here (and truly, heaven only knows who is here….. nothing would surprise me any more!). Suffice to say that it involved our daughter – having already had a normal amount of alcohol with us – creeping upstairs and consuming two bottles of sherry that she had secreted up there. It took some time before we actually realised what had happened and my husband went into her room to look for the alcohol. Anyway, all her darkest secrets came out…… and believe me, she has had a traumatic time this year. All her own fault in one way, but then her loneliness and depression are always behind everything.
Apart from feeling great shock and sadness at what she told us, it was particularly hard for me because this time she particularly had it in for me. She took a little bit of truth, twisted it and came out with some complete untruths. Where did that come from? Why did she attack me, when actually she is always telling me just how nuch she adores me? We decided between us in the end that it is probably because I get upset and angry with her when she is drunk. My husband is not normally the most patient of the two of us, but he is very good with her when she is like that and talking rubbish. Again, we decided in the end that it is because he has been used too dealing with his mentally-ill sister when she is ill and talking rubbish. Even his brother had a breakdown at a very early age and my husband – who was really young at the time – had to deal with him talking nonsense then. So, he is used to it…… but I am not and I find it soooh hard!
I still constantly rail against God and ask him what on earth it was I did to make him give me a daughter who – lovely though she is in so many ways – has so many serious problems. If I believed that we live more than once, then I would say for sure that I must have been very bad indeed in the last one! I so much wanted the ground to just open and swallow me up on Christmas day. So many times this whole year actually I have just felt like running away, getting on a train and escaping to just anywhere as long as it was as far away from here as possible. I didn’t though, I am still here…..
Christmas day was like a big hurricane sweeping through our lives…. or maybe a mega tornado. We came through it though and are actually all closer because of it. We are going to move on from our daughter’s latest traumas and get on with our lives, somehow or other.
You know, I feel as if for the past few months evil forces have been trying to get hold of us. I really have! Maybe they have felt they have been winning at times, but in the end they have not and will not. God’s love is with us and will win through in the end……
I wish you all peace and joy. Let’s hope that everybody has a far, far better new year. xx
Holes In The Sky 