PLEASE CAN I RUN AWAY?

It is what I feel like doing this Monday morning… Run away, escape, anything to get away from everything. Today I feel I just cannot stand it any more….

Yesterday seemed to be starting out quite well. We went to church as usual; though even that was a bit sad as it was announced that our bishop has resigned. He was a nice, friendly man, but it seems that he has been a little too friendly to certain females in his acquaintance! I feel sad because I believe that priests should be able to get married anyway…. though that does not, of course, mean that his behaviour is right. He has let a lot of people down,

Anyway, after church and a short session of mingling in the hall afterwards, we went for a coffee – and a little bit of shopping – in a local Waitrose supermarket (my husband likes going there at the moment, as you get a free coffee and if you buy £10 worth of shopping, you get a free newspaper too). After leaving there, hubby decided we would go into Brighton to a Greek restaurant we have been to a lot recently. We just have an octopus starter (I am very partial to a bit of octopus, don’t you know!) and a feta cheese dish with a bit of pitta bread and we get a pretty reasonably priced meal. There is a waitress there (Romanian, not Greek) who finds my husband absolutely hilarious and as a result, he actually flirts with her a little bit…. and the whole thing just cracks me up! Yesterday, he was getting her to teach him Romanian (as if he doesn’t have enough trouble trying to remember Greek words! Lol!).

Anyway, while we were sitting outside the restaurant in the sunshire, I got a text from our son. It turned out by coincidence that he and his wife were in a place virtually next door from where we were, so we met up with them and went for a coffee at a cafe right by the water’s edge. While we were there, our son got a phone call from his sister who – also by coincidence – was less than five minutes away from us! She said she was with some of her homeless friends…. and admitted that she was drunk…..

We went along to see her for a few minutes. She was sitting on a wall at an open-air bar by the beach, talking to some guy. I do not know if he was homeless or not, but he seemed okay. She kept saying he was the nicest person she had ever met, but I think that we have heard her say that a few times before! She looked pretty drunk, unfortunately….. we can always tell, as she gets this kinda wild look in her eyes! The previous night, she was supposed to be going out on a date. We do not know whether this happened or not, but we think she had probably been out on the street all night with her homeless friends. We think the same probably happened last night too.

Late last night, we tried to text her. My first text was sent okay, but when my husband tried to send one later it said that the number was unknown! I then tried to phone her, but it just cut straight off without doing anything.We immediately assumed that her phone had been stolen again. She has already had it stolen on one previous occasion this year and on another she was punched, had her finger broken and had cigarette burns. When will she ever learn?

Anyway…. my husband panicked last night and phoned the police. He was actually on the phone talking to them for about 30 minutes. Eventually – while he was still talking to them – our son phoned my mobile to say that his sister had been in touch and that she was with friends (her homeless friends, presumably) and was okay, but that yet again her phone had been stolen. I myself got a text from her just after 8 a.m. this morning (from her second mobile which she uses for work-related stuff, but which was turned off last night) to say that she was on the way back to where she lives. She failed to answer when I asked if she was on a bus. If she was driving, she probably still had lots of alcohol in her system.

I SO feel like running away today. If I had the chance to do so this morning, I actually think I would really do it! I want to escape all this worry, this world where nothing goes right…. I feel as if this whole year – even though it has been amazing in lots of way – has been too much for me. I want to get off this crazy roller coaster now!!!

And anyway….. in this world where even bishops fail us and find their own way to run away, how can we rely on anyone or anything any more?

Look around you, can’t you see?
Times are troubled, people grieve
See the violence, feel the hardness
All my people weep with me

Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

Walk among them, I’ll go with you
Reach out to them with my hands
Suffer with them, and together
We will serve them, help them stand.

Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

Forgive us Father, hear our prayer
We would walk with You anywhere
Through Your suffering, with forgiveness
Take Your life into the world.

Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

THE F WORD….

It stands for friends, of course…. What else were you thinking of? What more taboo word could there possibly be in my life?

My husband is going to get involved in a charity that visits the sick and elderly. He and another guy C from church who is responsible for setting it up in our parish want me to get involved too. C said I would be good at it because I am sympathetic and a good listener. It was nice of him to say that. I think I might give it a go……

I actually have faith in myself… I would be a loyal friend, if I had a friend to be loyal to! I am okay really, you know…. but it just never happens as far as real friendships go and I can never quite put my finger on why, apart from the fact that I am too quiet and am never in any way pushy. People probably find me boring too, because I am quiet and sensitive. I think I am probably quite an unusual person in many ways…. so maybe not really boring as in being just the same as anyone else, but probably just very different to most other people. I have somehow been particularly aware recently of being quite an unusual person; I guess the problem lies in meeting other people whose unusualness (is there such a word?) lies in the same direction as mine! Lol!

We went to a funeral a couple of days ago. I usually go to church with my husband on a Thursday (because it is at 12 o’clock and I have had time to wake up a bit by then!) and this week our daughter was with us…. and it just happened to be a funeral. A woman with a booming voice who turned out to be a barrister (which explained why she was such a confident speaker) spoke about the deceased woman who was also a legal executive. It sounded as if they had such fun together whenever they met and I found myself being quite envious of their friendship. It does however seem as if the deceased woman was not without her own demons, as the barrister woman spoke of feeling that she had failed her by not realising that she was struggling with life a bit. We thought it sounded as if she had committed suicide, but our daughter asked the priest afterwards and he said – rather hesitently – that she died of organ failure….. so we surmised that maybe alcohol abuse might possibly have been involved (though that is pure speculation). Very sad though! She was only 56 and in her work apparently helped many families and parents with problems and was very kind and sympathetic to them. She looked a very friendly person from her photo and apparently had many friends (and apparently loved dogs too). Yet, she too obviously had her problems. Life sure is hard….

Our daughter managed to contact the brother of  the guy she remembers from school who committed suicide and she is now actually going to his funeral on Tuesday. It is a very eco-friendly burial out in the country where the graves are mostly unmarked apart for maybe a wooden cross. They are gradually returning the land back to its original, wooded state so the graves will eventually all be surrounded by trees. Nice idea, I guess.

Apart from all this sad talk about funerals, I am okay. My moods are up and down a bit….. but I fully expect that of myself! 🙂 I have a new printer which I spent a lot of time trying to install yesterday, as it was pretty complicated. It was good fun though and kept me out of trouble for a good few hours! I managed to install it in the end…. which is good, as I will need it for our Greek lessons which restart this week.

Our daughter had a second date with a guy last night and was supposed to be seeing him again tonight, but she sounds rather unsure this morning. He sounds nice to me, but a bit awkward and nervous which I kinda like, personally! 🙂 He works in London in some kind of high-powered I.T. job, I believe!!

See ya soon….. gotta do my long-neglected Greek homework now!

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am
I am who I am

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry

I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up 

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

Our family all came round to dinner on Wednesday night. My husband cooked the meal…. he is very into making curries and has this new recipe he wanted to try out on them. At first, everyone congregated in the kitchen getting in his way, so I led them into the lounge. Daughter-in-law stayed though and helped him cook.

She is such a lovely girl, just so nice and kind. I cannot believe that our son has found somebody as lovely as her. I cannot believe also that she apparently decided to come to England to see him after just a couple of days of chatting to him. She rented an apartment for a week when she came (we knew nothing of her existence then) and then decided to come back for good. You have to admire her courage in moving all this way away from her family and her home; I guess our son must have made a big impression on her!

She seems to have settled well here so far…. though she wants to be able to work. Our son’s friends have all really taken to her; she has said that she did not really have many friends in Russia, but she already has many more here. Neither she nor our son really want to leave and go to Bulgaria for three months. Hopefully it will be fine though.

It is still so hard to grasp everything that has happened this year. I wonder what will happen next?

TO MY REGULAR READERS

I have taken some posts about some recent events down. For the moment, I choose not to tell you why, except to say that there have been no big developments or anything. You might say that this is just a little experiment, actually!

I am definitely not going to give up blogging, although I am going to be busy for the next few days as I have lots of outstanding jobs, including doing my Greek homework for when our classes restart. I will most likely put the missing posts back up again some time in the future and will no doubt also eventually tell you the reason for taking them down. Am not sure exactly when any of this take place though.

I had a busy day today…..  had to go to a meeting in the morning, followed by a sort of prayer group thing that I have been dragged into going to. It is quite a nice and friendly little group though. Tonight we had our children round for dinner, so that was great.

At the end of the evening though, I had this big wave of depression suddenly sweep over me. Not really altogether sure why….. but I guess that I am going to have some good days – followed by some bad – for quite a time.

Thanks to my regular readers for supporting me throughout my recent turmoil and for everyone else for not contacting me and telling me what an idiot I am! 🙂

LORD, DELIVER ME FROM MYSELF

 Just reposting this from back in 2007. It is such a lovely Prayer.

One of my favourite religious book is ‘Prayers Of Life’ by Michel Quoist. I have had this book since I was a schoolgirl.

Lord, do you hear me?
I’m suffering dreadfully.
Locked in myself,
I hear nothing but my voice,
I see nothing but myself,
And behind me there is nothing but suffering.
Lord, do you hear me?
Deliver me from my body; it is nothing but hunger, with its thousands of tentacles outstretched to appease its insatiable appetite.
Lord, do you hear me?
Deliver me from my heart; when I think that it’s overflowing with love, I realise angrily that it is again myself that I love through the loved one.
Lord, do you hear me?
Deliver me from my mind; it is full of itself, of its ideas, its opinions; it cannot carry on a dialogue, as no words reach it but its own.
Alone, I am bored.
I am weary
I hate myself
A am disgusted with myself.
For ages I have been turning around inside myself like a sick man in his feverish bed.
Everything seems dark, ugly, horrid.
It’s because I can look only through myself.
I feel ready to hate men and the whole world.
It’s because I’m disappointed that I cannot love them.
I would like to get away,
Walk, run, to another land.
I know that joy exists, I have seen it on singing faces.
I know that light exists, I have seen it in radiant eyes.
But, Lord, I cannot get away, for I love my prison and I hate it,
For my prison is myself,
And I love myself, Lord.
I both love and loathe myself.
Lord, I can no longer find my own door.
I grope around blindly,
I knock against my own walls, my own boundaries.
I hurt myself,
I am in pain,
I am in too much pain, and no one knows it, for no one has come in.
I am alone, all alone.
Lord, Lord, do you hear me?
Lord, show me my door,
take me by the hand.
Open the door,
Show me the way,
The path leading to joy, to light.
. . . But . . .
But, Lord, do you hear me?
Son, I have heard you.
I am sorry for you.
I have long been watching your closed shutters; open them, my light will come in.
I have long been standing at your locked door; open it, you will find me on the threshold.
I am waiting for you, the others are waiting for you,
But you must open,
You must come out.
Why choose to be a prisoner of yourself?
You are free.
It is not I who locked the door,
it is not I who can open it.
. . . For it is you, from the inside, who persist in keeping it solidly barred.