I most likely won’t be blogging again for a few days. Monday is a bank holiday so hubby is off work and he is taking a day’s holiday tomorrow as well.
I myself am okay. I started taking my BP pills on Tuesday night – no bad side-effects so far, although I did have (yet another) tummy upset this morning (it often seems to be after I have eaten something fairly rich, especially dairy produce).
I had a cholesterol test on Monday and haven’t heard from my doc’s to say anything is wrong (they said the results should only take a couple of days). If I don’t hear tomorrow then maybe I will dare to think that everything is alright. I hope so: I hate taking the BP pills, but if I also had to take statins for cholesterol I would be well p’d off!
Have got to rush to the park to dog-walk, so only have a few minutes to say that my doc told me that I was right to query the tablets that retired-doc gave me. She said that she they are not what she herself would have prescribed. So, now I’ve got a new lot of pills!
I was going to take them last night, but I had an upset stomach again (just for a change!) and so I guess it wasn’t the best time to start them. I actually felt quite unwell this morning, so I probably did the right things. Otherwise, the pills would most likely have been given the blame for the way I felt. (In actual fact, it was the food I ate yeaterday; I can’t take rich food anymore!).
I hate getting new tablets. When you read the gumph they give you, the list of possible side-effects usually seems far worse than the original reason for which you were given them! I hate taking any drugs – and I especially hate the thought that I could well be on these horrible things for the rest of my life! Gotta do it though!
So…… I went to get my BP checked by the nurse as planned this morning. It was high, as I expected. I have to go to my doctor tomorrow to get put on the dreaded drugs.
Why on earth am I so very upset at this problem? Thousands of people throughout the world are on BP drugs and live a normal life. Why am I being such a whimp?
My first inkling that all was not well on the BP front was a full five and a bit years ago. November 2001, to be precise. Daughter and I decided to get fit and join the gym. We signed up for a session to be assessed and taught how to use the equipment. They took our blood pressure first. And mine was high……
Just a couple of months later, I learned that I had a little cancer residing in my womb. I dealt with that okay, I was a very together person. But when the gym people (and subsequent doctors) told me my BP was high, I went to pieces. I am the same today. Can you see any logic in that? Cos I can’t, really I can’t. One of my favourite little phrases to quote is ‘Understanding yourself is often the most difficult of all things to understand’. It’s true; I don’t understand me at all.
I think that having high BP somehow (in my silly little mind) means an end to being healthy. ‘And cancer doesn’t?’ you might well say! I think I believe somehow that having cancer was such a big thing that it had a ‘Hand of God’ element to it. I didn’t see the cancer as my fault. The BP problems I do see as my fault; because I am overweight and not healthy enough. ‘Ah, but then they say that the cause of cancer too is as often associated with the same factors’ I hear you say again. (My goodness, dear reader, you do have a loud voice!). I know, but I still never saw my cancer as my fault in that way. I always had problems with my womb (irregular bleeding etc) , even as an eleven-year-old and it wasn’t really such a surprise to me when it all went really wrong the very moment I hit the menopause.
I have done well (very well, really) to keep the BP med pushers from my door for the past few years. I improved my diet and worked hard at the gym. Although I have been a big failure as far as losing all the weight I needed to is concerned (I really have no idea though why I started losing weight and then stopped) I did manage to lower my BP enough to keep them away. Since my strange virus just before Christmas though, I have seemed to have one minor health problem after another (various different viruses and countless stomach upsets). I have been stressed out over the many different problems pertaining to my offspring too. And the gym has just fallen by the wayside. I feel such a failure now…….
I keep thinking back to our bedroom in Rovinj last November. For some reason, I kept waking up in the middle of the night. That’s quite unusual for me; I sleep like a baby most off the time. But, when I am awake, I often pray. It is really the time I can pray best: during the day, I am too easily distracted – often by other things that I could or should be doing. In the middle of the night though, there are no distractions: it’s just me and God talking together. In Rovinj, I kept asking God to heal my life, to help me change all the things that need changing about me. I especially mentioned my worries about my tummy problems and my BP. Well, the tummy worries have been greatly eased by my recent colonoscopy; so I do think God helped me there. The jury is out about the BP one though! All the illness I have had was not a good way to help me with that one!
Maybe God is just telling me he wants me to go on the BP meds? I guess my fear about them is partly cos I am too proud. I really, really wanted to get it down myself, by my own efforts. I really, really wanted to be able to tell one of my sister-in-laws (who tends to look down on people who are overweight and unhealthy; though sadly, she has cancer herself now – so all her health stuff hasn’t exactly kept her healthy!) that I had done it all myself. It wasn’t to be though.
For a while, I felt like throwing away my gym membership (what good has it done me? I asked myself). But no, I will get back there if it kills me (which it hopefully won’t; that isn’t quite the idea, is it?). I will lose weight in the end, however long it takes me. And….. who knows? ……. maybe in the end I will be able to ditch these b****y BP meds altogether. I cannot do any of it alone though….. I need God’s help!
Meanwhile, I have to go and see my doc tomorrow. I am not good at doc stuff. Firstly, I am not good at going in the first place (when I was little, my mum was a somewhat over-anxious parent and was always taking me to the doc and I reacted by hating going at all; it’s partly a fear of going when it’s not really necessary). When I am there, I am bad at saying whatever it is I really want to say. With this BP thing, I really want to tell her how hard I’ve tried to get it down (I guess I want her to know that I go to the gym, rather than being a lazy cow and sitting eating and getting fat all day!). The trouble is, this whole issue gets me so upset that I am afraid I will burst into tears (I am in floods of tears at the moment as I write this). I’ll probably come home with a prescription for anti-depressants as well at this rate……..
I need to get a grip on myeself. There are far, far worse things I could be facing. I think of Heather with her brian tumour, my two sister-in-laws with their cancer (one is having a big op tomorrow), my brother-in-law’s son who is fighting in Afghanistan at this moment (he is only in the TA and didn’t know what he was volunteering for, but they wouldn’t let him get out of it!). And here am I in floods of tears because I am going to have to take a few tablets. Somebody needs to kick me up the backside, really!
I’ll leave you with the lyrics and video of one of my favourite songs: ‘Everybody’s Got To Learn Sometime’ by the Korgis. I need to change…… I need to learn…….. I am trying hard to do both, but it sure ‘aint easy sometimes……….
Change your heart Look around you Change your heart It will astound you I need your lovin’ Like the sunshine
Holes In The Sky 